Secrets

 Everyone has secrets.
Literally everyone
Some are little secrets, some are other people's secrets that you've been told.
Some are big secrets. 
Some are little secrets, but to you..they feel like big ones.
One of my favourite websites is called Post Secret.
You may have heard of it.
Anyone and everyone can send in postcards sharing their secrets with the world, totally anonymously.
I think it's a beautiful idea. 
It's a way of letting it out.
Explaining how you feel.
Telling the world who you are.
 
I've got a secret.
My secret, I think falls under the category 'little secrets, but to you they feel like big ones'.
 
To you, it'll probably sound ridiculous. You'll probably think I'm making a big deal out of nothing.
But it truly affects my life. I think about it everyday.
 
I used to think it was just a silly little secret, that nobody would know or  ever figure out.
People have recently started to notice. So what the heck I'll be honest..

I am terrified of eating in public. 
It used to be a real struggle.
I would stay round my ex-boyfriends house, and I could never eat dinner with him and his family.
If I said I didn't want any, they would get grumpy and usually make me some anyway.
Then when it was finally dinnertime, I literally could not do it. I would burst into tears, stop being able to breathe problem, start feeling really dizzy. They got so angry every week when I did this.
I used to go a whole weekend, not having dinner, just so I didn't have to eat with them.

It happened at other times too. If my friends were having barbeques, parties etc, I used to have to make  up an excuse so I didn't have to go. 

I would literally go days barely eating anything so this wouldn't happen.

This was 3 years ago.

I sort of forgot about this problem for a while, I simply hadn't really been put in the situation, so I forgot about it. Last week me & the boyf were invited to our neighbours house for dinner. 
It hit me again. How could I possibly cope with that?
I don't want to sit in a room with people, watching me, judging me.
 
I freaked out.
I felt so sick about the thought of it, I couldn't stand. I had to lie down for a little while and think about what to do. In the end I managed to do it. With a lot of struggling and crying and shaking on the way.
The whole way through the dinner I was fidgeting and shaking and I couldn't stop.
But it was done. I got through it. 
 
The next day I was at college, and my friend offered to buy me lunch.
It was lovely of her, so I agreed and we went into the cafe and sat down ready to eat.
I looked around. The cafe was full of people. All I could think was;
 
Are they watching me? 
Are they looking at how I eat?
Are they judging what I'm eating?

I was sat at a small table with 6 of my friends, it was cramped.

I freaked out again. I started shaking, and I felt really nauseous.
"I CANT DO IT!" I thought.
So I just said I wasn't hungry. 
I felt so rude as my friend had bought the meal for me, but I couldn't eat it.

So I just sat there..watching them eat.
It should be ok right?
I'm not eating..I'm just surrounded by people who are eating.
NOPE.
I can't do it. I cant  deal with this.
 
I ran. I ran to the toilets and locked myself in. 
I ate the apple I had in my bag, where no one could see me.
 
So that's my secret.
See it's silly. But it is truely affecting my life.
My boyfriend has noticed. My friends have noticed.
I'm sure everyone just thinks i'm being rude and impolite.
 
Apparently it's a real thing!
There are so many other people who have a phobia of eating in public, or eating in front of other people. I am looking into it.
 
 ALSO..Just incase any of you have a similar phobia or issue, feel free to contact me :)
I would love to hear from you.

4 comments

Denise said...

Appreciate your honesty, bless you.

Megan Maguire said...

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Journeys of The Zoo said...

While many people may not be able to relate, that is not silly. At all.

It is very real to you and seems to rule your life. I'm sad that it's making you so sad.

I think it's great that you're looking for support. Perhaps finding others will help you figure out what you need to do to be at piece with this situation.

Let me know if there is anything that I can do.

I think you're very brave to share. I have many secrets...

Besos, Sarah
Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo
Finding Humour in Everyday Life
journeysofthezoo at hotmail dot com

Kristin_Texas said...

I understand. I absolutely detest eating in public. When I have to, I force myself to get through it but I will always try to avoid the situation first. Always.

I'm not very comfortable in social situations at all, and it is a battle not to let it completely own me. It is a HARD battle though.

You're not silly, and you're definitely not alone. Eating in public is a very real and acknowledged form of social anxiety.

Kristin