I'm Broken

I broke down in front of my children today. It's one of those things you just never want to do. Cry uncontrollably in front of your little ones. They don't understand why you're upset, they don't know if it was something they did. All they know is crying is what you do when you're upset. So you must be really upset. It feels awful, you feel so guilty for letting them see you this way, but sometimes you just cant do anything about it. You cant lock yourself away when you have to be there to take care of them. You cant focus on calming down, because that's exactly what you are trying to do. Thinking "Oh I have to stop this" "I shouldn't be doing this" then makes you feel more guilty that you are doing it in the first place, and the tears flow even more. 
I just don't know what to do right now. Every day is a struggle. I dont want to get up and start a new day, I don't want to face reality or discover what the day might bring. When I go out, to the shop or to see family, I don't want to go home again. I literally had a panic attack at the thought of going home this afternoon. 

Living day by day, not knowing what might happen, not knowing how you will make it through until the end of the day, when you can get into bed, and block out the world. Dreading having to set the alarm, forcing yourself to get up.

I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I feel broken.

(I know it will get better, it always gets better. But it also always gets a lot worse before it gets better again.)

For now, I am going to do the one thing I need to do right now. Drink tea. Eat chocolate. Distract myself. There's nothing I can do tonight anyway.

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